Looking outside the window

"What's your birthday wish every year?"

An interesting question asked from an unexpected person.
For my whole 18 years life, what did I wished the most overall. I only can think of those stupid wishes I wished while I was a kid, naive one, that it seriously won't come true,and now, come and think about it that's what I seriously want.

I answered. and I heard same answer reflected back from him.

At least his' sound more logical.more, sense.
Homesick is getting serious. I missed them.

I always thought that wish will never come true. Maybe that's why I waste up the chances making stupid birthday wishes. Really stupid wishes.Maybe I should me more realistic. Maybe I can ask for a million pounds, a sport car, offers from good unis, a license - at least. Every time I made up the wishes and I will be like hey, why did I choose this wish instead of another again. Not to say that I am regret, just that once again, I am confused.

***

"What's the feeling of trying hard enough but didn't get the shits that you want?"

Believe me I would never have this feeling ever, okay maybe not ever,or I am not sure whether I tried hard enough last time, but until now, I never have that feeling before, not because I didn't got the shits that I want, just because I don't try hard enough to pursue it I guess.I don't get the feeling of trying hard enough, I don't know to what extend is enough,I don't know how much is enough, and now listen to the story come from the opposite, and compare his case to mine, I'm seriously an ass. I felt freakinly bad after we talked, feeling like slapping myself stabbing myself. He worked his ass off for the things he wants,he stands on his when it comes to study and work. I want to be like him,I am so damn envy of him, but I don't see the feeling coming right now. Now I feel fucked up.

***

"When life suck,life's beautiful"

That's the way I sum up life as. and he agreed. Life won't be beautiful if it's not sucky enough. My life sucks currently,I wish stupid wishes, I didn't try hard to do everything,and so obviously I don't get what I want, most of the time.No one get me, or hold me when I feels like falling, when I feels like crying. Good people cames in the wrong time, but I am glad they're there to help.I always made myself look miserable, and make people talk to me, make them approach me.
Now you see me ugly.
Now you see me ugly?


Luckily I still have you.
Family you,
friends you.
and you.